Spiraling into dust

"have you ever thought that you could get your heart broken in a non-romantic way? Today two people broke my heart, my voice, and my insides. I feel shattered to my bone. My hands and feet are cold but I don’t think that’s why I’m shaking. my vision blurred, i can’t breath because i’ve been spilling out so much for the past hour that my nose is full. I feel everything. to be shattered means to remember and feel everything. everything that once made me angry, jealous, upset, sad, resentful. anything that burned me. anything that ripped my dove out of my own hands. to be shattered and go blank. to remember every time someone broke little pieces of me. and all of those are the pieces of my shatter thrown back into my face. and they dig into my red puffy under circles. these broken shards of me thrown in my face. they slice my lip and bleed my eyes. everything feels like the color black. deep. swallowing. eternal. i can’t breath and heaving so hard my chest hurts. is this physically normal? i read or heard some where that no one thinks about it for long before they do it. it’s just a matter of frenzy. am i one of those? could i be one of those mad beings that people sometimes talk about in late hours of the night? i always thought i was normal. normal people don’t feel this or that about someone they love, do they? how many times will this happen again? how long has it been since the last time? one year? five years? where is my bandaid? oh, it’s on the floor. woops. it’s okay. i can heal myself. he’s not here. she’s not here. he’s not here. she’s not here. i’m not going crazy, it’s my mantra. reminds me that i have to do this myself. "

"If not me, who? If not now, when?"

Okay guys, this is it. I am taking the first step to making one of my many dreams come true. Among many female figures that inspire me to my core, Emma Watson closed her speech on "He For She" with the quote on my title. This really got me thinking. We all wait for someone else to make the big changes and risks. But I have always wanted to be that someone important who helps change the world for better, so here goes:
I am not hoping to necessarily impress you all with my word choice or adventures or the amount that I can spit out of my mind in one sitting. I hope to eventually get used to the amount of "I's" that will be in my writing. I don't want to over think much of what I write and at the same time I don't want this to just be a stream of consciousness. I did that once as a paper and turned it in thinking I'd get an A because it was so raw and real, but at the end it was just so unstructured and I got a C. My purpose for creating this blog is mostly to inspire the way that others have done for me. It's not very nice to keep one's good talents to ourselves. I think one of my talents is communicating in such a way that gets my point across very easily. 
I once had a strange class in seventh grade which I did not understand the purpose of until now. The teacher would have us lay down cards with random images out in front of our partners and then speak about the image on the cards. I know now that those exercises were to get us to engage and connect with people we had nothing in common with except for this one card we had to talk about. The class taught me that everyone can see the same thing but not in the same way. And in order to have a good communication, you must read the person talking to you and almost guess what he or she is about to say. It's almost like an ongoing quiz of what your current conversation is about. Just making sure you have the correct concept the entire time. I hope this makes sense. Sometimes I write things and I think they only make sense to me. I end up deleting chunks of my writing because I did not like the whole concept of it. But I will try my best to keep this mildly edited and mostly raw. This blog will include rants, memories, philosophy, pictures, fashion posts, and all kinds of strange topics from religion, family and college to perks, vices and sex. It has been a pleasure writing and connecting with those that have always supported me. Thank you, once again, for putting up with my giddy, sassy, unorganized, rambling self. I don't pretend to be highly educated or know the answers to everything, I simple believe strongly in the  way I want to live my life. If this offends you, that is fine. You are entitled to your own opinion and way of life. Welcome! I hope to hear from you all in your journey with me as well! Feel free to ask questions, critique, challenge my ideas, and offer new topics to discuss. 

There is no "Blue Corn Moon" lol but still.