Too many times I have found myself realizing that when I try to be witty or creative or unique, it's when I'm the least successful at coming up with ideas. It is only when I'm not thinking of my audience that I truly come out, which is so strange. Sometimes I think it works in the opposite flow. But time and time again has proven that I glow in the dark only. I'm trying to say that over time, when I think back on all the moments I have been proud of myself, I was doing things for myself without trying to impress anyone. I wish I could always be like this. Less watching; more doing.
I have always held a strong belief in the things I want and don't want, but I have trouble defining myself as a person. I'm not quite introvert and not quite extrovert. I'm not shy and intimidated very easily or often. But I don't speak just to hear myself speak or impress others with all my crazy thoughts. I wonder if people think I'm a flex for posting such long captions on my Instagram and I'm not always that way in person. The reason why I never go on rants like this in public is because I don't have an audience big enough, but I would never mind sharing my thoughts on a public forum (obviously) or on stage. For now, releasing my thoughts have become a coping mechanism and almost a need. Not necessarily because I need the approval of others, in fact, I know not many people will approve of my way of thinking, but because I need organization in my life and this is a starting point.
Yes, I have many goals and should probably state them somewhere soon before I forget or they are no longer my dreams but for some reason I have become very strict about posting my intentions or plans or dreams on social media. Probably just in case they don't work out and then no one can hold my accountable for it. But maybe also because it's a very intimate part of me. This here, this post and all of my on my social networks, that's not intimate. Intimate is the stuff I only tell in person, in a little corner or the world, over chai tea lattes and bad waffles. This, I can tell anyone, I'm not afraid of expressing my writing. But the things that make me the most vulnerable are my goals. Because then I feel like people's eyes will fall on how far I am from them. Pointing out my physical flaws isn't as hard because I feel like those are completely and unfortunately obvious, even if others wouldn't call them "flaws". I'm trying to say that I will best define myself as time goes by. I know one of my friends suggested I make a post about who I am, but this is actually a better description:
Someone who shines when practically no one of importance is watching. Someone who often doesn't finish things that are supposed to be great, like this post which has taken me three days to finish and post. Someone who has great communication skills, but doesn't like to over use them out of fear of being noticed as really intelligent when in reality she's only really strong in social, emotional, and visual intelligence. if that, makes...any sense. I think I'm that girl that is kinda smart, but most times doesn't believe it and when I do, I am completely afraid of admitting it. That is the best way I can describe myself. I wish someone else could do a better job.
I apologize that for the most part my writing has been rambling. I actually never even got to the point of my post. I was remembering the other day that when I was younger I used to be jealous of all the other Hispanics kids in my classes because they all bonded so well for several reasons I couldn't share with them. They attended ESOL class (English to Speakers of Other Languages), they rode the bus together to and from school and of course to the same little trailer park where everyone went out and played after school and on the weekends. Meanwhile, I grew up being tested on my English but never sent to a full day at ESOL. I got driven to and from school by my mom or dad. And I lived in a neighborhood of decent two or three story houses with predominantly blacks and some whites. I have always been a little out of the loop, since the beginning. And I always thought it was a bad thing. I will go more in detail later about things I was deprived of which now I somewhat understand. But it's always been the same pattern. I have always had more than I thought I did in the present moment and only later do I realize that I am more fortunate than those I envy.
Persevering in my education has always made me lose something or someone. And for this reason, I sometimes deny my mental capacity. For one, to humble myself and second, to protect myself from being accused of something. Anything. And thus you have, me, a loud thought. Which makes you wonder, do thoughts have volume?
